I'll tell you a secret.

I have a disease. It's like Anorexia. Only that I am not conscious about my weight, or my physical appearance. This disease is not about 'who looks best'; it's about 'who is the best'. It's EN-caused, but it's not exactly 'insecurity'.

Here's how it works: first, it gets inside you as something not so unusual.

Like when someone like EN gets you drop your jaw in an English class introduction.

Day by day, it inhabits your mind and your soul, and yet, you won't notice it. You will think you are on the right track if you let this disease control you.

Like when you try your best to improve and to be EN-like. When you set EN as your idea of human perfection.

It dominates you slowly, imperceptibly. It eats you bit by bit, painlessly.

And then one day, it has overwhelmed a large part of you. And that is when it attacks. It 'awakens' and strikes you. It happens infrequently, usually unexpected, but it will afflict you. The result is your self esteem and confidence drastically dropping down to zero. It lasts how long depending on how fast you get over the attack.

I pity myself because of this. I do not want to see myself this pathetic, but, I would have never cared if I did not learn how to set myself this high. It is not my wish to blend into the crowd, but, I am not remarkably good enough to be recognized right away.

Just like EN is.